I love to cook. I love to eat. I love exploring new foods and new products. I don’t love going to the grocery.

Here’s why…

Parking lots are dangerous. I find that people tend to be distracted while driving in parking lots. They are looking for a space close to the door, soccer moms are yelling at their kids, talking on the phone, the scary granny driving a boat-mobile the list really doesn’t end. People think that because they are traveling at a low speed they are safe. Which would be true if they were in a empty lot, but as a rule parking lots,particularly for grocery stores, contain people, children and other cars. Why should I the pedestrian be the only one paying attention, so as you have guessed I am a bit jumpy we venturing from my far away space to the door.

Parking far away is a must not only do you avoid other cars but also the uncorraled carts. I despise people who don’t corral their empty carts, you better not be one of them. It is wrong on so many levels. the first level is damage, a renegade cart could damage another customers property.

Mini economics lesson, cart hits car, car is damaged, customer makes store pay, store raises prices to cover this loss. Also applies to shoplifters.

Your renegade cart causes unnecessary stress and monetary consequences.

And I haven’t even started on the parking lot cowboy, this poor most likely 16 year old boy, has to go out and chase after the renegades. Cart rustling is serious business. You think getting stuck with one with a wobbling wheel is a pain, try 10 wobbling wheels. Rain, sleet, snow, our brave cart boy is out there fighting the bad guys one cart at a time. But we can all help his cause by corralling our carts.

Once you make it through the obstacle course that is the parking and are armed with a wobbily cart and a shopping list, you must face the parking lot people in a more personal way. Inevitably you will encounter people who don’t realize that there are other people in the store.

The Doors their tactic is to block you from the cilantro with there cart while they spend a quarter of an hour picking the right cucumber, seriously, why? Cucumbers aren’t difficult and why don’t they realize that I am standing there watching them pick one up, stroke it, turn it over and put it back. I mean that cucumber isn’t going to change your life… unless you have a melon allergy, in which case you shouldn’t even be looking at cucumbers, allow me to direct you to the shredded carrots. I have been reduced to moving other peoples carts.

Then there are the Cholesterols. They get this name because they push their cart in the middle of the aisle and stop to look at pudding..Chocolate or vanilla ooh Jell-o. You happen to only need what is on the other side of Cholesterol’s pudding, you know what flavor you need and even what brand you are getting. I have even come across Cholesterols who find it easier to sit than to bend over. The canisters of salt are on the bottom shelf and they aren’t sure which salt to get table, sea, kosher, reduced sodium. If they bend or squat for too long they might hurt themselves, so they plop down to investigate the salts (As a side note, the sitters tend to be big, as a big girl I find it frustrating when I see other big girls falling into lazy stereo types.)

Creeping Cholesterols, AKA Granny from the parking lot, in the boat-mobile. She really has no where better to be and wouldn’t move very fast even if she did. I tend to be more patient with the elderly Creeping Cholesterols since their personalities tend to be like the ends of a magnet. You feel terrible if she is a nice granny “oh, honey you only have a couple thing go in front of me in the check out line.” And if she is a mean granny, well, you will still feel terrible after she chews you a new one. But the young ones make me want to scream.

The Hard of Hearing when one encounters the Doors or Cholesterols something must be done. Politely, mind you, as they know not what they do and should not be treated poorly, they are people too.

“Excuse me”…nothing… “Um, I am sorry, I just need a packet of yeast.”… Nothing or even better, dirty look.

I absolutely hate when I am bumped without acknowledgment, so I always say “excuse me” actually I say it even when it isn’t necessary. So, when the second “excuse me” is ignored I set about invading personal space, I view it as an invitation.

I just thought of a game for this situation. When this happens next time we could take something from their cart… OOH Jell-o. Just kidding, don’t do that, remember they are people too. Besides, that jell-o could be for their child who has the flu, which means the Door is covered with flu germs, don’t mess with her.

Then there is Me, I move too fast, I barrel down aisles like a bat out of hell. I can do this because I spent a half hour making my list and because I know the layout of the store like the back of my hand the list is set up so that I don’t have to do much back tracking (unless I encounter an obstacle). Veggies, fruit, bread, canned meats, pasta & grains, international…. I have managed to not run any one down, yet, but there have been close calls. This kind of reckless behavior requires a lot of “excuse me” and “Oh my, I am so sorry” notice the “Oh my” as if I had no idea that I was turning that corner Danika Patrick style.

One of the other things I do that may annoy others is that I stash my cart… I find a display or safe spot at the end of the aisle where I can keep an eye on it and I go grab what I need. I do this for two reasons:

When I spot a mass of Cholesterol and decide adding another cart would be a bad idea.

And I hate that damn cart, it slows me down.
I also hate the shelves once in every shopping trip I either have to fashion a grabber or ask some one to reach something on the top, but that is really a personal problem. It isn’t my fault or anyone elses fault that I am a mere 5 inches from being a little person.

In the middle of the day or at around 5 pm the checkout is like a commie bread line. I don’t care for waiting, especially in grocery stores ’cause the people exiting tend to be listless and annoyed, people watching in such lines is terrible (unlike at Walmart were it tends to be great). I find myself looking at what the person in front of me its getting and making up stories. Once there was a high school cheerleader and her mom, they were getting 2 count ‘em 2, big, no, giant tubs of lard, yep lard, 3 cans of icing and a couple boxes of corn muffin mix. That was too much for me to put together, every time I thought of a solution for the icing with corn bread I remembered the lard. I hope they were planning a prank and weren’t going to eat all that lard.

So I tend to grocery shop at midnight.

There aren’t many people in the store, and I don’t feel the need to speed race out of there and even if I did it wouldn’t matter.

If I have inspired you to midnight grocery shop you should be aware of the pros and cons.

CONS/ PROS

1. You will encounter stock people. There is a reason that they are there in the middle of the night. They are the midnight Cholesterol. But don’t mess with them they have pallet jacks and know how to use them./Since they don’t see a lot of customers they are either nice or talk to each other as if you aren’t there, which can be amusing.

2. Where there are stock people there is low stock./ You might have to ask for soy sauce, but I have found the late night grocers are very helpful.

3. The bakery and deli are closed. If you need fresh cold cuts or a personalized cake you must go early./ but there is usually someone working in the back of the butcher counter and if you can get them to help you, you will find that the 3rd shift butcher is very knowledgeable.

4. The check out people pretty much only ring out beer, diapers and junk food at this hour so they don’t know the veggie codes./ But they are nicer and since you are likely the only person in there line they talk to you. Our store is located near the local college and the cashiers are usually freshmen from said college, and they provide interesting discourse. Once, the freshmen girl grilled us on why we would want green salsa “eww”. The poor thing had never heard of enchiladas. On another visit she picked up the eggplant and asked my boyfriend why we always got such “weird stuff”.

5. Did I mention the empty parking lot!

Well, I hope you soon experience the midnight grocer it is really a different store.